unfinishable uncertainty

I am at this weird place in my life right now. The best word I can use to describe it is 'uncertainty.' I have all these questions and feelings rattling around in my brain and no answers. It is a frustrating place to be. On this blog alone I have written 5 posts that I cannot finish. I just have no resolution; no way to end them... and that is only on this blog! I have at least 4 other Word documents that I have written (only to myself) that I can't even finish! The bad part is this theme extends beyond my writing.

I recently took up a new hobby--painting. I'm actually pretty good. I mean I like my stuff, anyway. But I can't finish them. I cannot finish my paintings. I am also in the middle of 3 books right now that, once again, I can't seem to finish. None of them... I am not done reading any of them.

I am in desperate need of some kind of closure; some kind of 'end' to something. Even just a closure of a thought I've been having would be nice.

About a year ago, one of my friends was explaining to me why I wasn't getting asked out that much... His explanation sounded something like, "Katherine, you are just one of those girls, you know, that appear to have it together, and that's intimidating." I was so shocked when he said that to me... 'Me? Have it together?' At the time I certainly did not think I 'had it together,' but now, looking back at me then... I think maybe I tried too hard to look like I did. I always had an answer... to everything... and that is just not normal.

Now, however... I seem to have completely run out of answers to questions. And you know what... maybe it's good for me to sit in this 'uncertain' phase of life for a while. Maybe I need this so that I stop believing that it is me that has all the wisdom and knowledge, and become trusting that it is God that has the wisdom, and I should be thankful that sometimes he gives me a little wisdom, too.

This is the best closure I can come up with to my 'unfinishable' thought.

Thoughts on nothing

Well, here I am with nothing brilliant to say, but frustrated with having a blank blog for several days now... So I will write... regardless of having nothing to say...

Sometimes it is important to just do things... I realize this is an incredibly broad statement... but it's true. I often do not feel like doing certain things... taking out the trash, for example, is not the most exciting and rewarding job out there, yet it needs to be done. I have been thinking on this some. .. not a lot, but some.

One of my least favorite expressions is, "but I don't feel like it." I hate this grouping of words even more when I look back at times that I have used it. How horribly selfish is this statement?
Seriously Katherine, shut up and do it.

That is at least what I want to say to myself.

Because the trash needs to be taken out, and work needs to get done, and people need to be loved... and the time comes for me to stop looking around for other people to get their hands dirty and stop making excusses for why I am exempt from loving that person, or how it is not my turn to take out the trash.

So here I go, I pick me. I volunteer to get my hands dirty, and actually try to be a little bit like Christ... but man... sometimes I just really don't feel like it.