When I was barely in elementary school, my family adopted a baby turtle named Ted. He was supposed to belong to my brother, but as with most household pets, he became part of the family. He grew quickly, and as he became more comfortable with the family he spent less and less time in his shell until we eventually would all swim and play in the pool together.
One of the choices we are faced with each day is the decision to fear or love. The two cannot coexist. You cannot love if you fear and you are not being loving if you choose fear. Although on the surface this seems to be an easy choice, those who have known love may realize the complexity of this decision.
Love opens oneself up to vulnerability. Vulnerability is a given with love because to love fully you must allow yourself to be fully known.
Ted, our turtle, had a protective shell. If an enemy were to try to eat him he could easily squeeze inside his shell and be safe from harm. However, if Ted had stayed inside his shell he would have eventually died. Turtles cannot move without coming out of their shells; they cannot get the important nutrients needed for them to survive if they do not venture out occasionally. Obviously, the trick is to know when it is safe to venture out and when it is appropriate to retreat inside the protective shell.
In my opinion, we are not too different from Ted. People were created in the context of community; without other people we die, if not literally than certainly figuratively. But because love opens us up to being vulnerable and vulnerability opens us up to pain, then (like Ted) the trick is to know when to open up and when to stay inside our shell.
Those who have been hurt by others may err toward staying inside their shell. Those who have not experienced that kind of pain may lack the judgment to know when to retreat.
One thing I noticed about Ted was when I tried to coerce him to open up, to come out of his shell, he didn't. I shook him and tried to grab a little stubby leg, I asked him nicely and held him. But the only thing that really worked was to put him down, back away, wait and watch. He would eventually peer out his little turtle head, and then his stubby arms and legs would come out one at a time. After spending much time with Ted, he eventually learned that I was not a threat and he started to walk on my hand with his little webbed fingernails.
With Ted, I learned that the key to reduce his fear was being patient with him. But that shouldn't be surprising, seeing as how "patient" is the first word in 1 Corinthians 13 used to describe love. Maybe this is the most important prerequisite to loving people as well... learning to be patient with the speed at which they allow themselves to be known then accepting them as they start to slowly come out of their shell.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Grace as an Umbrella
I wrote this about a year ago, and I guess because I haven't posted in a while I decided to post this...again (with some minor changes). Plus, it is fitting for how I feel right now. Maybe it's the time of year...
On the Tuesday of finals week, like most college students, I was stressed out.
I was burnt out.
I was tired.
I was discouraged... and at this particular moment on this particular day I was walking back to my car so that I could go to my first day of work at the psychiatric hospital. I had just finished a really exhausting "defense" of a 15 page psychological evaluation that I had written a week earlier, and I was on my way to work... in a psychiatric hospital. Honestly, all I wanted was to wake up and find myself in my parent's house at age 10 eating a bacon sandwich and extra buttery corn. But no, here I was walking across campus to my car... and did I mention it was raining? I usually love rain, but this time I was not in the mood to be rained on. The rain felt like the world coming down on me. Even nature was against me! So I gave up on the far distant concept of being "dry" and I walked slowly to my car with my head down like a disciplined puppy, completely hopeless.
I was walking to my car and feeling very sorry for myself about how hard my stressful Grad-Student life was when I heard a familiar voice. I looked up. It was my friend... with an umbrella. This may not seem big to you, but this was exactly what I needed and I immediately felt my whole body relax. Granted, I was already more than 1/2 way to my car and was pretty wet, but that umbrella was more to me at that moment than being dry... it was safety, security, and most of all hope. Hope that everything was going to be fine, and I would in fact make it through my first day of work and finals week and grad school and...well, life because I had a friend... with an umbrella.
This has been on my mind for a little over a week now. Why was this so big? Why was that simple happenstance so impactful? I'm not sure I completely understand all of the implications here, but I'm pretty sure that what touched me so deeply has something to do with God... as all things seem to.
God does not always give me what I want. In fact, I might be able to think of more prayers answered "No" than prayers answered "Yes." But the thing is, he takes care of me. He does not always overflow my cup with blessings, but I never starve. There are times I am completely infatuated with him and I have felt more in love with him than anyone else...but, sometimes I don't feel this way. Sometimes I am an emotional wreck and I am just barely making it. But he is there. Both times.
I treasure the times when God and I are curled up by a warm fire gazing into each other's eyes (metaphorically speaking). But, I think there is a place for those moments of fatigue when I am soaked to my core and barely able to put one foot in front of the other. In those moments he may not always be my comforting bacon sandwich and buttery corn, but he is always my umbrella. And I think I can handle that.
On the Tuesday of finals week, like most college students, I was stressed out.
I was burnt out.
I was tired.
I was discouraged... and at this particular moment on this particular day I was walking back to my car so that I could go to my first day of work at the psychiatric hospital. I had just finished a really exhausting "defense" of a 15 page psychological evaluation that I had written a week earlier, and I was on my way to work... in a psychiatric hospital. Honestly, all I wanted was to wake up and find myself in my parent's house at age 10 eating a bacon sandwich and extra buttery corn. But no, here I was walking across campus to my car... and did I mention it was raining? I usually love rain, but this time I was not in the mood to be rained on. The rain felt like the world coming down on me. Even nature was against me! So I gave up on the far distant concept of being "dry" and I walked slowly to my car with my head down like a disciplined puppy, completely hopeless.
I was walking to my car and feeling very sorry for myself about how hard my stressful Grad-Student life was when I heard a familiar voice. I looked up. It was my friend... with an umbrella. This may not seem big to you, but this was exactly what I needed and I immediately felt my whole body relax. Granted, I was already more than 1/2 way to my car and was pretty wet, but that umbrella was more to me at that moment than being dry... it was safety, security, and most of all hope. Hope that everything was going to be fine, and I would in fact make it through my first day of work and finals week and grad school and...well, life because I had a friend... with an umbrella.
This has been on my mind for a little over a week now. Why was this so big? Why was that simple happenstance so impactful? I'm not sure I completely understand all of the implications here, but I'm pretty sure that what touched me so deeply has something to do with God... as all things seem to.
God does not always give me what I want. In fact, I might be able to think of more prayers answered "No" than prayers answered "Yes." But the thing is, he takes care of me. He does not always overflow my cup with blessings, but I never starve. There are times I am completely infatuated with him and I have felt more in love with him than anyone else...but, sometimes I don't feel this way. Sometimes I am an emotional wreck and I am just barely making it. But he is there. Both times.
I treasure the times when God and I are curled up by a warm fire gazing into each other's eyes (metaphorically speaking). But, I think there is a place for those moments of fatigue when I am soaked to my core and barely able to put one foot in front of the other. In those moments he may not always be my comforting bacon sandwich and buttery corn, but he is always my umbrella. And I think I can handle that.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Far Away
Although my thought process (and my blogging carrier) about love is not done, I am taking a break to collect my thoughts on what it means to love others. In the meantime, this is currently the theme song to my life:
I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
And close to my heart he'll always stay.
I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and
Nelly and Faye.
While I'm combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.
Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.
There's a boy next to me and he never will be anything but a boy at the bar.
And I think he's the tops, he's where everything stops.
How I love to love him from afar.
When he walks right pass me then I finally see on this bar stool I can't stay.
So I'm taking my frown to a far distant town
On an island in the blue bay.
Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.
I want to go far away.
Away away, I want to go far away, away, away
I want to go far away, far away.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another life, to another life.
To another shore line
In another life.
-Ingrid Michaelson "Far Away"
I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
And close to my heart he'll always stay.
I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and
Nelly and Faye.
While I'm combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.
Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.
There's a boy next to me and he never will be anything but a boy at the bar.
And I think he's the tops, he's where everything stops.
How I love to love him from afar.
When he walks right pass me then I finally see on this bar stool I can't stay.
So I'm taking my frown to a far distant town
On an island in the blue bay.
Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.
I want to go far away.
Away away, I want to go far away, away, away
I want to go far away, far away.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another life, to another life.
To another shore line
In another life.
-Ingrid Michaelson "Far Away"
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Love, Part 2; Loving the Self
"If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself."
-Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (from their book Relationships)
This morning the first thing I did after I woke up and stumbled into my bathroom was tell myself how amazing I was. That's right...I'm intelligent, witty, thoughtful, and beautiful (among other things). I love myself! I haven't always felt that way, however.
Like most of my family and close friends, I grew up in a religious tradition that encouraged me to "deny myself;" put myself last; to be "self-less." Although there are some very important scriptures that start out this way (i.e. deny yourself and follow me...), I think we are missing the point here.
"Love your neighbor as your self (Matt 22:39)" for example does start out talking about loving others, but only in connection with loving yourself... "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF" If you don't love yourself and you love others as yourself then you are, in fact, not loving others.
This thought process has been a major struggle in my relationship with God and with others. Through my experience as a counselor at a Christian university I have discovered that I am not the only one who didn't get taught the importance of loving oneself in Bible class. Just as the Parrott's point out in the opening quote, when you are not loving yourself, all efforts to love others are only a desperate cry to fill the void of love within yourself.
This is why so many people become "People Pleasers." They cannot please/love themselves, so they try desperately to please others in order to gain the acceptance and love that they are not receiving from themselves.
"What about being humble?" you might ask. Isn't it true that our "attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus...who humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! (Phil 2:5-8)"
Good point, Katherine! (why thank you, Katherine!) So, what does it mean to be humble? A person can only be truly humble when they first love and accept themselves. If they do not love and accept themselves as they are, then their "humility" is only a masked version of self-disdain or rejection. Many of us are uncomfortably good at wearing the mask of holy humility over self-disdain. I know this is something I still struggle with from time to time.
Often when a client comes in after a string of hurtful relationships where she has been mistreated or taken advantage of the first thing I ask her to do is tell me all the wonderful things about herself. We make a list and then I tell her to read it out loud. Yes, I get rolled eyes and blushing checks and some even try to refuse, but I know something that my client doesn't; I know that if I can get my client to love herself than she will stop having unhealthy relationships.
That's right...people will stop treating her badly when she starts loving herself. Why? Because if she learns how to love herself, then she will not allow others to treat her with disrespect. She will be able to hold others accountable to treating her (and other people) the way they should, which interestingly, is more loving than her previous behavior because love is not about making someone happy...it is making someone holy, starting with the self.
Man, I just love myself! :)
-Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (from their book Relationships)
This morning the first thing I did after I woke up and stumbled into my bathroom was tell myself how amazing I was. That's right...I'm intelligent, witty, thoughtful, and beautiful (among other things). I love myself! I haven't always felt that way, however.
Like most of my family and close friends, I grew up in a religious tradition that encouraged me to "deny myself;" put myself last; to be "self-less." Although there are some very important scriptures that start out this way (i.e. deny yourself and follow me...), I think we are missing the point here.
"Love your neighbor as your self (Matt 22:39)" for example does start out talking about loving others, but only in connection with loving yourself... "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF" If you don't love yourself and you love others as yourself then you are, in fact, not loving others.
This thought process has been a major struggle in my relationship with God and with others. Through my experience as a counselor at a Christian university I have discovered that I am not the only one who didn't get taught the importance of loving oneself in Bible class. Just as the Parrott's point out in the opening quote, when you are not loving yourself, all efforts to love others are only a desperate cry to fill the void of love within yourself.
This is why so many people become "People Pleasers." They cannot please/love themselves, so they try desperately to please others in order to gain the acceptance and love that they are not receiving from themselves.
"What about being humble?" you might ask. Isn't it true that our "attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus...who humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! (Phil 2:5-8)"
Good point, Katherine! (why thank you, Katherine!) So, what does it mean to be humble? A person can only be truly humble when they first love and accept themselves. If they do not love and accept themselves as they are, then their "humility" is only a masked version of self-disdain or rejection. Many of us are uncomfortably good at wearing the mask of holy humility over self-disdain. I know this is something I still struggle with from time to time.
Often when a client comes in after a string of hurtful relationships where she has been mistreated or taken advantage of the first thing I ask her to do is tell me all the wonderful things about herself. We make a list and then I tell her to read it out loud. Yes, I get rolled eyes and blushing checks and some even try to refuse, but I know something that my client doesn't; I know that if I can get my client to love herself than she will stop having unhealthy relationships.
That's right...people will stop treating her badly when she starts loving herself. Why? Because if she learns how to love herself, then she will not allow others to treat her with disrespect. She will be able to hold others accountable to treating her (and other people) the way they should, which interestingly, is more loving than her previous behavior because love is not about making someone happy...it is making someone holy, starting with the self.
Man, I just love myself! :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Love, Part 1: Desire and Fear
There’s this stop-watch in my living room that beeps once every hour. It's not a loud beep and when I'm busy I often don't even hear it, but in the moments that I lay in my bed drifting into sleep, this soft beep has the power to startle me awake.
This is the only way I know how to explain my recent thought process about love.
The past few months I have been trying to understand God's peace. Like many people, it is easy for me to become anxious about life situations. It is not unheard of for me to have trouble sleeping because I cannot shut off my mind. Nevertheless, the last couple of months I have found a really wonderful place of peace. I have been able to flush my mind of all the clutter. Sure there have been the occasional anxious moments, but I am able to keep them to a minimum and calm down relatively quickly.
Love is the one thing that I have not been able to flush out of my mind, however. Although I do not often think directly about it, I am surrounded by it. Like the stop-watch in my living room, the thought of love often drifts through my brain unnoticed only to startle me awake hours later.
Love is my favorite thing to think about and yet the most frightening. Love is demanding, and self-disciplined, it requires commitment, responsibility, and most frightening of all--vulnerability. I desire this perplexing notion with everything in me, and yet I find myself running the other direction when it comes near. Michel Quoist may have expressed this idea best in his prayer "Life is before me, Lord...But you are with me on the journey."
“I am afraid of this love
which I desire with all my being,
at the dawn of my days
and in the depth of my nights.
Mysterious energy that inundates my heart
and overflows my body,
and with lengthening days importunate longing
to encounter a face,
to recognize and be recognized
as the one uniquely sought."
(Michel Quoist, New Prayers)
Love is an emotion that is distinctively human. Although as a race we continue to evolve into higher levels of thinking and greater technology, we are stuck with ineffective and harmful paradigms about love. Like oxen lined up to be slaughtered, we continue to mindlessly pursue love in unhealthy ways, yet run from its binding commitments like frightened children. I am both the ox and the frightened child.
And so, because I suffer from both the desire and the fear of love, I will write. Maybe this will stop the persistent beeping in my head…
This post begins a series of posts about love. Let me encourage those that have gone before me in the areas of wisdom and/or experience to hold me accountable; challenge me. I will write what I know on this topic knowing full well that I do not know much.
I hope that we can enjoy this journey together.
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