Love, Part 2; Loving the Self

"If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself."
-Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (from their book Relationships)

This morning the first thing I did after I woke up and stumbled into my bathroom was tell myself how amazing I was. That's right...I'm intelligent, witty, thoughtful, and beautiful (among other things). I love myself! I haven't always felt that way, however.

Like most of my family and close friends, I grew up in a religious tradition that encouraged me to "deny myself;" put myself last; to be "self-less." Although there are some very important scriptures that start out this way (i.e. deny yourself and follow me...), I think we are missing the point here.

"Love your neighbor as your self (Matt 22:39)" for example does start out talking about loving others, but only in connection with loving yourself... "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF" If you don't love yourself and you love others as yourself then you are, in fact, not loving others.

This thought process has been a major struggle in my relationship with God and with others. Through my experience as a counselor at a Christian university I have discovered that I am not the only one who didn't get taught the importance of loving oneself in Bible class. Just as the Parrott's point out in the opening quote, when you are not loving yourself, all efforts to love others are only a desperate cry to fill the void of love within yourself.

This is why so many people become "People Pleasers." They cannot please/love themselves, so they try desperately to please others in order to gain the acceptance and love that they are not receiving from themselves.

"What about being humble?" you might ask. Isn't it true that our "attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus...who humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! (Phil 2:5-8)"

Good point, Katherine! (why thank you, Katherine!) So, what does it mean to be humble? A person can only be truly humble when they first love and accept themselves. If they do not love and accept themselves as they are, then their "humility" is only a masked version of self-disdain or rejection. Many of us are uncomfortably good at wearing the mask of holy humility over self-disdain. I know this is something I still struggle with from time to time.

Often when a client comes in after a string of hurtful relationships where she has been mistreated or taken advantage of the first thing I ask her to do is tell me all the wonderful things about herself. We make a list and then I tell her to read it out loud. Yes, I get rolled eyes and blushing checks and some even try to refuse, but I know something that my client doesn't; I know that if I can get my client to love herself than she will stop having unhealthy relationships.

That's right...people will stop treating her badly when she starts loving herself. Why? Because if she learns how to love herself, then she will not allow others to treat her with disrespect. She will be able to hold others accountable to treating her (and other people) the way they should, which interestingly, is more loving than her previous behavior because love is not about making someone happy...it is making someone holy, starting with the self.

Man, I just love myself! :)