The Heart of Life

On my way home Sunday night I decided to drive through down town Austin. Because it was Sunday night I didn't have any trouble with traffic. The lights were beautiful and the city felt peaceful, and as I was cruising and listening to my John Mayer CD I realized something. I'm Happy! REALLY JOYFUL! This is not the first time I have had this thought, and I'm sure that it won't be the last, but the event got me to thinking...When did I first feel this way?

Now, I had a very good childhood. I grew up in an amazing family and never had to worry about anything, but I don't actually remember being truly joyful until I was in college. You see, because I didn't have any really hard times growing up I had a false definition of what "normal" was. As far as I knew, everyone had a mom and a dad that loved them, everyone had a comfortable house with their own room, and everyone had friends that cared about them. These things were not blessings, they were normal.

Throughout Middle and High School I was kind of a melancholy kid, a Debbie-Downer, if you will. I was not a lot of fun to be with. I found things to worry about, things to obsess over. Anything negative was something I chose to think about… that is, until my grandpa died.

I reacted strangely to his death. I didn't. My grandpa and I had been really close. He had been my mentor, my buddy, my friend. He was my confidant and my biggest fan. He was like me when I thought no one else understood me. But, when he died, I ignored it. I guess I didn't know how to react. My whole youth I had been worried and depressed, so how was I supposed to act when something bad actually did happen? I didn't know, so I did nothing.

About 6 months later, during my senior year of high school, it hit me. I started waking up in the middle of the night sobbing. I would have these recurring vivid dreams about him where I would be reaching out to hug him and I would wake up in my bed alone crying...not just crying but shaking violently. It was awful. I didn't know what sorrow was until then. I had no idea that one person could feel SO much until I lost him.

I tell this story to say I don't believe it is possible to recognize what is good without knowing what is bad. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were told not to eat from the tree of Good and Evil. Adam and Eve didn't know evil or good before they ate from that tree, "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God knowing good and evil." Genesis 3:5 (NASB) they didn't even know how great Eden was until they were kicked out! ...man...talk about a let down.

Since my grandfather passed away there have been several other "pains" life has thrown at me. I have been hurt, heart broken. I have felt betrayed and worthless. I have been clinically depressed, and physically ill. But, I have also been ambitious, optimistic. I have felt inspired and loved. I have been goal oriented, and I have found excitement and true joy in living.

The story of Adam and Eve doesn't end with “the fall.” God stuck with his people. He was with them through the desert. He remained committed when they were unfaithful, and ultimately, through his love, He gave his life so that we could be with him...So that we could experience how good relationship with him is.

“Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good”
"The Heart of Life" (John Mayer)

Pain is going to happen. Life will not go as planned; loved ones will die, hearts will brake, and friends will disappoint, but with God there is so much more; there is so much love! And, on a Sunday night drive through down town, I am grateful to be reminded that the heart of life is good.